Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in boxcar_9's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, November 6th, 2007
8:03 pm	Responsibility, what's that? Going food shopping for myself, filling the tank to go to class, picking up a job application, makes me feel like an adult or something. yet, i still sit here without a life. Responsibility, not quite yet. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 23rd, 2007
10:30 pm	i dreampt of an ocean that grew with each day the storms blew in and blocked out the sun the boat i had built could never suvive the waves it would surely lose strength and sink to the ocean floor i lost interest in spanning the distance to reach the far shore so i stood on the beach and watched the water splash my feet the grey skies promised nothing and cooled the summer heat i layed in the sand and felt the rain wash down my face two more weeks to spend on the beach but i was ready to leave i'd make the most of it if i could only find a friend i had no company so i had to build a castle by myself my mighty empire lasted but an hour the constantly expanding ocean spread it's waves across my land i watched my towers and archways melt back into the sand that's where they belong i suddenly longed again for the land across the sea i began to swim until i could see only water around me a flash of lightning blinded me with white my eyes adjusted back to the red lights on my right 2:05 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
8:57 pm	I fell asleep last Saturday Underneath polluted skies I walked alone on those Jersey nights, and I Saw the boardwalk start to fall The emptiness starts to drown The quiet corners off this town, and I... Late last night, I made my plans It was the only thing I felt I could do Said goodbye, to my best friend Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth It's gonna kill me: The rest of my life Let me apologize while I'm still alive I know it's time to face all of my past mistakes It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life This is my all time low Somehow it feels so familiar Somehow it seems so familiar I feel like letting go And every second that goes by I'm screaming out for a second try Said goodbye, to my best friend Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth It's gonna kill me: The rest of my life Let me apologize while I'm still alive I know it's time to face all of my past mistakes I've got to live with them the rest of my life This is the mess I've made These are the words I can't erase This is my life support, shutting down, for the final time And it twists like a blade And kills me for the rest of my life If you won't forgive me The rest of my life Let me apologize while I'm still alive I know it's time to face all of my past mistakes It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life... (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
12:47 am	ughh ignorance again. and it's perfectly clear. i dont exactly blame you, but you could at least learn from the past. please, just keep it in mind. you said you would... (no, it's not about you) Current Mood: thirsty (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 2nd, 2007
6:16 pm	Fly climb high, for sanity's sake, the kitchen floor is too much to take. eyes wide, i'll pretend not to notice, pretend not to show it, pretend not to care. drink more, soften the silence, fight back the violence, i'm about to break. speak clear, pure desperation, one-way conversation, it's too much to bear. finding solid ground never let me down, but i'm sinking deep below. grasping for your hand, pull me back to land, but you're sky-high tonight with a lack of will to fight, and you fly... one time, there was nothing against me, it was finally easy, i could barely see. two times, oh i wish i could go back, i wish i could go back, i wanna go back. three times, it's been painfully lucid, can't believe what you did, it's almost concrete. four times, and i'll walk away empty, no longer tempting, heartbreak will be complete. standing on the ground never let me down, but a challenge found my feet. falling through the air, you don't seem to care, and you're sky-high tonight no need to set things right, and you fly... goodbye Current Mood: moody (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 22nd, 2006
1:25 am	Through the eyes of the boy who lived in the pool. Through the thickness of my thoughts and the hood over my head i could hear them laughing, the noises of the television, and the light drops of rain hitting the water. It wasn't my turn, but i volunteered. the sky, calm and gray... the few children were busy with thier own activities, rather than playing together. such a silent day in a place usually filled with laughter. i sat perched on the lifeguard stand, keeping my knees warm under my sweater. the atmosphere held countless shades of blues and grays. only the sound of light splashing, distant thunder, and raindrops could be heard, besides the occasional burst of laughter and excitement from the rest of them, hiding from the weather. i sat with a blank stare, passively scanning the water and the few swimmers who had made a second home this place. my thoughs became a product of the cold sights surrounging me. i was dropping back down from the high hopes of summer. the light drops of water hitting my face were the only things distracting me from the disappointed thoughts my mind was repeating over and over, hitting me harder each time. i closed my eyes. "do you have a girlfriend?" he asked. Nick, a 12-year-old boy who had often started conversations with me before was the only one left in the pool. i opened my eyes and found him sitting in the water, starring at me. "no," i replied. "have you EVER had a girlfriend?" "no." "why not?" "...i don't know" "I think you need a girlfriend, then you would be happy" and he looked right into my eyes...then swam away. i watched him. i was blown away by what he said. i had never expressed to him in any way that i was an unhappy person. how did he know? could he just see it in the way i excluded myself from all the other lifeguards? could he see it in the look on my face as i sat curled up in my hoody in the rain? "and why am i not happy?" i thought to myself "because i have no one. because the hope that lit my eyes on that day in june slowly faded away. because my dreams of summer were only dreams. because it didn't work. because i didn'd have her." how could a 12-year-old boy read me so well? how could he look at me, determine that i am unhappy, determine WHY i am unhappy, and determine how i can bacome happy? he's 12. he could see so clearly through his happy little youthful mind. i almost felt embarrassed... this kid broke me apart with the few words he said to me. i was 16, and he could see that i've been starved of happiness. that i had yet to experience the joys of having someone to hold. that what i needed so badly was a girlfriend. her. next summer, hopefully he'll look at me and see a different face than the one he saw on this cold, dead day. a face hinting of joy. and eyes filled with hope and happiness, rather than dying dreams. hopefully i'll show nick a difference. hopefully i'll have what i need. Current Mood: weird (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 21st, 2006
12:48 am	The Gift (gah, how cheesy...) how about just..merry christmas! so, it's technically been winter for about an hour. christmas is in 4 days.. here's a little story about christmas: so it was about 5 years ago.. maybe 6... it was christmas morning and i woke up my whole family, and raced around the house wrapped up in my blanket waiting for everyone to get up.. so everyone eventually got out of bed and we started unwrapping presents. it was all normal and ordinary like every other christmas morning. then as it seemed we had unwrapped every gift under the tree, my brother brought out one last gift for me from his room. it was his bass guitar... he had bought it for his band that had broken apart by that point, but the bass had been used very much and even graced the cover of one of my brother's yearbooks. so i was happy to recieve it, but i had no idea how much it would effect my life. the months went by. i would occasionally play the bass, but for the most part.. it just sat in my room and collected dust. i had no friends to play with so i really didnt have much interest in the instrument.. i eventually left the bass untouched for about a year.. until i entered high school. i was not the most popular freshman. i was homeschooled for 2 years prior to high school. i had no friends upon entry.. i spent the days walking laps around the campus, making it seem as though i had somewhere to go. i would sit at the mentally disabled table at lunch..and watch kids drool on themselves. eventually i found a few friends to play hacky-sack with. and i started talking to a drummer in my gym class, he was interested in me when i mentioned i have a bass guitar.. we became friends. but i was still a total loser/nerd/outcast. so as the year was about halfway through... i began talking to a new student at our school. he was a year older than me and he played guitar. i became friends with this guitarist based on our interests in music as well. i eventually started playing bass again so i could play with my guitarist friend... the school year was coming to an end.. and my life was about to begin. on one of the last days of school, i returned home, and my mom told me someone called and left a number, they wanted me to call back. so i was nervous and i picked up my phonebook just to see if i could possibly match the number to a name before i actually dialed it. miraculously, i found the phone number immediately and saw that it matched up to the name of the drummer i had met in gym class. he had never called me before so i was interested to see what he had to say. i called and all he wanted was the phone number of the guitarist i had also became friends with. i gave him the number... i consider this moment one of the key points in my life. a few days later, my guitarist friend told me he went to a party...the drummer invited him.. and apparently there was this girl there, and after the party, my friend and this girl were going out. that started it. the summer bagan and i was exposed to so much more social activity than i had ever been around before. i had friends. for the first time i had a real group of friends.. the guys, i had become friends with in highschool, and the girls were the guitarist's girlfriend and her other friends. (not using names really sucks). so the summer went by and i had the best time ever and i felt like i was finally alive. since then, a few years have passed and i am still very good friends with everyone from that summer, and those people have greatly impacted my life. so basically, my brother gave me a bass i bacame friends with a drummer i gave the drummer the guitarist's number the guitarist went to the drummer's party he talked to the girl there, then they went out then we hung out with her and her friends during the summer and now i still have all those friends today and i dont sit at the retard table anymore. the end. i hope you get something good for christmas. Current Mood: nostalgic (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 16th, 2006
10:58 pm	FUCK YOU (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 7th, 2006
11:33 am	Another day another day would have blown away with the breeze behind my back only watching the water, the sons, the daughters, the glimmer began to lack a few less nights a little less light, and the storms brought shades of gray a struggling wish of finding that fish lost it's breath and floated back (that it for now.the bell's gonna ring) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
11:14 am	Jibber Jabber! sooo...i havnt posted on here in forever, but i'm gonna try to do this more frequently now. so i'm at school. woop. i was sitting around being a useless TA and i decided to enjoy the sweet sound of some Third Eye Blind. i was focusing on the lyrics and i was thinking "man, this is some awesome stuff" and i had a sudden burst of inspiration to write lyrics in the blank notebook i have had sitting in my backpack all year, so i pulled it out and got a pen. i stared at the blank lines... hoping my hand would just start writting. but there was just nothing..for a few minutes. then i wrote the word 'september,' because i like that word. and then as soon as i thoughtup a sort of concept, my teacher called me over and ordered me to go make some copies in the office while the class walked to the computer lab, so i was frustrated and i packed up my notebook and went off to the office, made the copies, and went to the computer lab..only to find my class wasnt there. i paced up and down the breezeway..checking different computer labs..the library..back at the classroom, ect. and that bummed me out. i hate feeling confused and lost and whatever. then i eventually found my long lost class. how exciting, ey? meh...to my left is the guy who's ass i totally kicked in our debate in american government. the debate was on the war in Iraq. my team what against it. his was for it. i was pretty nervous before the debate...i had spent the night before the debate doing research till midnight. so then wehn my time came to present my argument, i slammed the opposing team with facts and statistics and they totally went down. actually it was a close debate..it was all intense and then we had to stop cuz SOMEONE started yelling and getting too into it. so the class voted and my team won by ONE vote. YES! so..that felt so good...not only winning the debate...but beating this one certain guy, this one cocky individual who often said things like "fuck peace!" and "every day a rag-head dies is a good day" what a jackass. it felt so good to see the look on his face when the teacher announced the winning debate team. hah! that it, lunch starts in a couple minutes. yehaw (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 18th, 2006
3:20 am	:( i just starred at a picture for 16 minutes. now i feel rather terrible/horrible. just imagine you're like absolutely in love with someone and you're starring at a picture of that person being absolutely in love with someone else, someone who doesnt even appreciate that person's love. love. goddamnit. emo. fuck. sleep. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
10:16 pm	Updates Updates of Jesse's life. (in chronological order) - I asked Fiona to prom. - Fiona cannot attend prom. - I look forward to spring break with my friends. - Bud is not visiting for spring break. - Caleb is not visiting for spring break. - I decide to attend Fiona's film instead of prom. - I cannot attend Fiona's film premiere. - Eli is going away for spring break. - Sarah wants to go to prom with me. - I'm informed that i would be a disappointing date. - My prom situation is a mess. - I decide to have a party when my parents leave. - I will invite Fiona. - Fiona is going away for spring break. - My parents are not leaving. - I can no longer have a party at my house. - We have to get rid of our pets. - I will have nothing to do during spring break. - I have nothing to look forward to. - I miss my blue marker. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
7:26 pm	Ender Will Save Us All "Ender Will Save Us All" - Dashboard Confessional It's just like you to contest you wear it like a label on your breast don't you see what this takes of me? A certain callousness complies with your charm & in your pride a hopeful look draped in despise. I want to give you whatever you need. What is it you need? Is it what I need? I want to give you whatever you need. What is it you need? Is it within me? It's hard to explain how I am getting by on so little from you. It's hard to believe that I would let myself get so wrapped in you. There's got to be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you. We need a connection but you seem to push me far away from you. The harder I push the further I fall. Well you don't mind me being headstrong. But you don't want to sing along. Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong Try not to be wrong. I'm feeling rather unhappy. This song describes my situation very well. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
6:08 pm	If You Wanna, I Might "If You Wanna I Might" You take a seat right next to me And I take my lit notes nervously I've gotta stay calm I just want you to stay I am always daydreaming Hoping youve dreamt of the same thing I've gotta stay calm I don't want this to change I've been assuming everything Hoping you'll soon mean everything I've gotta stay calm I want this to be real I don't think you're into me But truely thats okay with me I've gotta stay calm and find out how you feel So if you wanna say 'I-I-I like you' I might feel just like you If you choose-choose not to I knew you-you would Sometimes I think I am out of my league And then sometimes I think I can dream Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish That you choose out of all in the sea We are non existant But I'll try to be persistant I've gotta keep on if want to be close to you I know you're uninterested Im probably just some stupid kid I could give up if you would want me to ...makes me think of someone. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 18th, 2006
12:41 am	There Is This vacation's useless These white pills aren't kind I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9 And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have The days have come and gone Our lives went by so fast I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor Where I laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more Do you care if i don't know what to say Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me Will i shake this off pretend its all okay That there's someone out there who feels just like me There is Those notes you wrote me I've kept them all I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall With every single letter in every single word There will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl Do you care if i don't know what to say Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me There is Do you care if i don't know what to say? Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay That there's someone out there who feels just like me Do you care if i don't know what to say? Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay That there's someone out there who feels just like me There is ...This song never fails to amaze me. It destroys any thoughts i had in my mind and replaces them with thoughts of young love and everything i want. i think it might be the best thing there is. (1 Comment |Comment on this)